Nia

09:09 pm - Confusion

So basically right now my life is a mess....I;m so confused about everything in my life. I really want to go to grad school and stay up at Niagara for the summer. While i know this is possible, for the next 4 weeks i need to concentrate on school, work and studying for the GMAT's. Until the GMAT's are over, I'm only going to be partying on friday and saturday..depending on what I feel like doing.
I'm so sick and tired off always having to do everything more than once. It would be fine if i got it the second time, but most of the time it takes me 3-4 times to get something right. This is the third time I have to take the GMAT's, and I'm sick of it and having to pay the $250 each time. This time WILL be the last time i take the test. If all else fails, I'm going to be looking for jobs and starting a career and take a year off then go to grad school. At the same time I have mixed feelings about everything else in my life. I know this is stupid but I wish I had a guy in my life to help fill the void that I feel. Not a boyfriend, just a guy friend that I can talk to and that will listen to me and be there for me when I need him. If it weren't for my friends being there for me, I wouldn't be sane most of time. They are my back bone and I'm extremely glad to have them in my life. My friends are the people that help me through all the rough times, especially when I'm feeling down because of my parents.
I'm hoping that Spring break won't be too bad, I don't have anything fun planned. It';s basically gunna be all work and no play. I'm either going to be working at the office, or
studying for the GMAT's. Hope everyone has a great spring break and stay safe where ever you may be..whether it be home or on vacation.

Current Mood: apathetic

09:18 am - Spring break, school and much more

So..Spring Break is upon us and I couldn't be happier! While I know I'm happy now..by the end of the break, I won't be able to stand it at home and will be glad to be back here at NU. I hate the fact that my parents are always finding a way to put me down or tell me I;m fat or not good enough. There way of telling me to lose weight is to tell me I'm such a pretty girl but I'm ugly this heavy. NOT a good way to go by it.
I've started to realize that I'm more independent and don't need my parents as much anymore. Pretty soon I'll be out in the real world and won't need them as much anymore, and I don't know what they'll do then, b/c i won't be at home as much. Also ever since I've started working and having to balance work and school and partying (HaHa) I've become more independent and confident in myself. It's thanks to my friends that I am more confident, there always telling me how nice I look and how I've changed for the better, not how fat I am and how I've changed for the worse. That's what my parents do.
While I am glad to be going home, it'll be hard for me. I'm so used to being up here and on my own. To top it all off, I need to take the GMAT's again and they'll nag me while i study..NOT helpful.
Okay..enough about that! Why is it that I always fall for the guys that are assholes and that I can't have that don't want me back?!?! If anyone has answers for me please let me know LoL. But after all this is me and I fall for a new asshole every week..I eventually get over them.
It's been quite sometime since I've posted..but there will be more to come! Bye for now :)

Current Mood: aggravated

01:41 am - Stolen from a friend

(2 Points) My name:
(1 Point) My last name:
(5 Points) Take a stab at my middle name:
(3 Points) Who am I in love with:
(2 Points) Where did we meet:
(2 Points) What kind of car do I drive:
(2 Points) where do I work:
(3 Points) what am I afraid of:
(2 Points) Do I smoke:
(3 Points) Do I drink:
(2 Points) Do I have any siblings:
(2 Points) How many:
(1 Point) Do I like 'em:
(4 Points) What's one of my favorite things to do:
(2 Points) How many piercings do I have:
(3 Points) What's my favorite type of music:
(4 Points) Am I shy or outgoing:
(3 Points) Am I a rebel or do I follow the rules:
(2 Points) what’s my favorite color:
(3 Points) name something I hate:
(4 Points) name a talent I have:
(4 Points) what kind of sneakers do I wear:
(4 Points) do I have any pets:
(2 Points) Who am I dating right now:
(5 Points) how long have I been dating them:
(5 Points) what is the color of my room:
(5 Points) what is my worst habit:
(5 Points on creativeness) If I were stranded on a desert island, what would I bring:

Current Mood: tired

09:57 pm - Holiday sadness

Boy...I sure didn't realize how hard it would get for me during the holiday season...All Thanksgiving I spent moping around the house, staring at pictures of my brother and crying or watching my parents cry. It's such a heartbreaker to see the sadness, pain and disbelief in my parents face as they slowly but surely come to the realization that my brother really is gone. I can't stand to see my dad cry the way that he does =(. Something like this never should have never happened to such good people, especially because daddy saves lives for a living.
One more thing that I realized is how much pain I have left inside myself, and all the grief thats left that I cover up by keeping myself busy with work, school, my friends and partying. Another thing that I found out about myself over break is that it still takes me a long time to open up to people, whether I trust them or not. It's still hard for me to this day to say that he really is gone, and that I am only child left for my parents. As much as I love being home, it helps me to be away from home, because I can deal with it better. The first thing I see when I come home is visions of things that my brother used to do at home, and also things that we used to do as a family. While I can cope better at school, I like to come and see a smile and some life to my mommy. I can't stand to see how much pain she is in, I know that she's a mother and she will never be able to get over the fact that her son is gone.
I have come to the realization that I need to do well for myself and make my parents proud so that I can keep them smiling for at least a little while. I think going to India will be a good thing for my parents and I, while i know that the wounds will be gashed open yet again, I know that it needs to be done. If I don't see my grandparents before they die, then I know that I'll have regrets, just the same way that I have regrets about all the things I never said to my brother, and also all the things I never did with him. Deep down, I wish i had seen it coming, then it would have been much easier to handle, but he's gone now, and I will have to deal with it for the rest of my life. I have to deal with the fact that my kids will never get to see their uncle, and that my husband will never know what a wonderful brother-in-law he would have had. The holiday season is going to be a toughy for me, but I'm going to try to hold my head up high and get through it the best that I can. All I have to do is try to remember the good times, and not dwell on the bad things that happened this year.

Current Mood: blah

06:43 pm - little update

So...its been a while since I've updated LJ...not much has been going on here. I'm sooooo excited to finally go home...it has been far to long since I've set foot in my own house. As much as I love my friends, I think that we're starting to annoy each other and a break from each other will be a good thing. I love the job and have met some pretty cool people there. I've been told by numerous people that senior year is supposed to be the easiet year...thats a lie! This semester has been one of my hardest semesters yet and I can't afford to do badly in my classes, especially since it's my senior year.
I'm kinda sick and tired of the empty feeling that I have inside myself, I wish there was a way that I could fill that hole, but I don't just want to fill it with some random guy or person that I don't know. I know that the feeling will eventually go away, but I wish it would go away now. Home in just 2 short days...can't wait!!!

Current Mood: stressed

03:42 pm - quizzzzzzzz

Read My Result
Take the Test

11:37 am - Rough times

Today is going to be a very sad and long depressing day! While it used to be one of the happier days in my life, it has now turned into one of the saddest days. This week has been very rough for me..I am taking the GMATS this weekend and am very nervous about them. While I know that I am going to try my hardest to do well on the test, my hardest isn't always the best. My main goal is to do well on this test and be able to get into grad school, whether it be Niagara or some place closer to home or even out in NYC.
I can't believe how quickly my senior year is going by, it just about 6-7 short months I will be done with college and either on my way to grad school or out in the real world. I must say that I am ever so grateful to Angel for getting me the job at Classifieds Plus. Its a great job and I really like it there! Its also something that I can put on my resume as sales experience. I can't wait for break so that I can go home and relax for a bit.

Current Mood: sad

03:39 pm - quizzie

You Are a Fun Girl!

You are all about having fun - and you don't need to drink to have a good time Sure, you've thrown back more than a few every so often But getting totally stupid and wasted is not your style You're the life of the party, by keeping everyone laughing and smiling

10:41 am - friends

LJ Friend of the Day!

Here's how it works:
1. Reply to this post if
you want me to tell you how amazing you are.
2. Watch my journal over the next
few days for a post just about you and why you rock my socks .
3. Post these instructions in
your journal and give your friends a much needed dose of love, adoration

Current Mood: happy

03:29 pm - October update

So..I Started my new job and have been there for two weeks now. I really like it and I have to thank Angel for helping me get this job and get the ball rolling on handling working and going to school full time. It's a little bit harder than I thought it would be, but then again I'm new to this whole thing and just need to adjust to the new life style. My job is fun and I love the people I work with, they're so friendly and nice to be around.
Lately I feel like I can't do anything right. All I want to do is be a good friend and try to be there for the people I care about! Apparently I can't do that...I open my mouth and I get myself into trouble! I really wish I cold stop doing it..but thats just the type of person I am!
After losing my brother and having to go through such a rough time, I learned that I need to be my own person and stand up for myself. Yes, I know that I can be childish and act like a little kid sometimes, but it doesnt mean that I need to be treated that way. Yesterday, I was in a bad mood and didn't mean to treat a good friend of mine the way that I did, but I didnt want my bad mood to rub off on her, and I also didn't mean to hurt her. I wish there was a way that I could show how sorry I am, but all I have is words.
Some days its easier than others for me to deal with things, and I dont mean to take it out on the people I care about. If i did anything to hurt or upset anyone else, I am sorry and hope that you can forgive me. I'm sorry that I hurt you and our friendship means a lot to me, I hope that you can forgive me and we can still be friends.

Current Mood: contemplative

07:20 pm - fun quizzie

Your 2006 Summer Anthem Is

Hips Don't Lie by Shakira "I'm on tonight You know my hips don't lie And I'm starting to feel it's right All the attraction, the tension Don't you see baby, this is perfection"

Current Mood: tired

11:23 pm - October update

So I started my new job yesterday..and I think I'm really going to like it. At first I was a little nervous and uneasy about working, but I went to my first day and was like this isn't bad, I dont mind it. As it is my first job, it will take some time for me to get used to working and going to school, and then still having time to party and have a social life.

School has been going great, and it has been amazing to get back into the swing of things and see my friends and go out with them and have a good time. Jessica and I have become really close, and I love it. I don't know what I would do without her! She has become someone that I tell everything to and know that I can trust not to tell anyone else. Its been amazing to finally hangout with her. I Love you Jessica!

This weekend my parents are coming up, and I'm excited to see them! Maybe for once they'll be nice to me and not comment about my weight or how I keep promising them I will lose weight and haven't! I'm hoping for a nice pleasant weekend with my parents, so I can come back next week and return to school and work happy and well rested.

Current Mood: tired

05:32 pm - Trying to deal

I never knew how hard it would be for me to deal with the death of my brother. I thought after I cacme back to school it would get easier for me because I have all my friends around me. The truth is that it has gotten a lot harder and I cry a lot more. If it weren't for the support of my friends...I wouldn't know what to do. As the months go by, it gets harder and harder for me to accept the fact that my big brother is now gone. There are so many things that I wish i had said to him that I didnt, and so many things that I would have done with him that I never got to do.
I know that it isnt my fault that my brother is gone, but I wish that there was something that I could have done to prevent this from happening. My brother meant and still always will mean the world to me. It has been really hard to cope with the fact that I am now an only child. I'm really grateful to all my friends for being there for me. If it wasn't for their support, I would be a really big mess right now. I really appreciate the way that they have all been there for me. Its now getting easier for me to open up to them. We've been back in school for a few weeks and I know that this won't get easy anytime soon.

The most important thing for me to do is take care of myself and make sure that nothing happens to my mom and dad and also to keep myself busy with schoolwork and my friends.


I Love you Ash..my loving big brother 11/07/83-05/31/06 =(

Current Mood: crushed

10:32 pm - What a weekend!

I should know by now whenever my parents come to visit me it turns into a disaster. Apparently according to my parents since I came back to school I've become to arrogant and I scare them. SORRY that I'm not perfect for them. I'm acting this way cause I'm finally free.
I understand that my parents are still hurting, but jeez...learn to take a joke! I can't wait to get back to school and away from my parents. They want to come up prolly once a month and ruin a weekend!! Jeez...gimme some space.
Can't wait to get back to NU and hangout with my friends and get going on my everyday stuff like working out, classes and schoolwork.
Apartment life is good and I love living there, since I moved in I have more privacy and space to do what I want when I want. Love it Love it!!

Current Mood: annoyed

11:14 pm - I wish I had answers!

This has been a very tough summer for me.. I lost my best friend, the person I trust the most and the one that knows me the best. I wish I knew why this happened to my family! This saturday is my birthday and I'm going to be 21..this should be a good time for me, but i know that it will just open the wound that I have finally been able to cope with and start to heal. The closer it gets to my birthday and going back to school the harder it gets for me. I know that my brother wouldnt want me to feel that way, but I can't help it. Its not the same doing everything with just 3 people and not 4.
When I go back to school I'll be really excited to see my friends, but I'm also very worried about my mom and how she'll cope with me being gone and knowing that my brother is never coming back! This summer has gone by so fast but at the same time the only thing I find myself thinking about at night is how my mom, dad and I had to go to my brothers funeral and creamate him at the age of 22. The one thing I will never forget is having to go to the morgue to see my brother. We made a promise to each other that we would take care of each when my parents die. Well after both of my parents are gone, I will be the only person left in my family and that both scares me and pains me. I am grateful for all the things and everything that my brother did for me. I love you forever and always Ash!!

R.I.P big brother 11/07/83-5/31/06

Current Mood: crushed

03:42 pm - Dealing with the grief

So its been about a month and a half since my brother died...and the pain just keeps getting more intense. The whole month of June we had my aunts from India here, and they were a big help...but they left on July 2nd and since then the house has been empty.
My mom barely eats anything, hardly sleeps and works so hard. Its so hard to see my mom the way she is..she's lost 25 pounds in a month and is always crying which is understandable. My dad also works very hard and he too cries alot and it pains me to see him cry the way he does. I wish there was something I could do to help ease the pain, but I know that there isnt...the only thing that can heal this pain and the broken hearts we have is time.
As for me..I'm doing Ok but could be better and time will heal me as well.

Current Mood: discontent

11:57 am - I'm done being a pushover!

Bottom line is..that I'm sick and tired of being the one that everyone is nice to when I'm around...but talks trash about when I'm not around! I Thought maybe this summer would be different, and that the one's I care about would keep in contact with me. It seems as though the one's I really care about are the one's I can't get ahold off, or ignore me when I call! I don't know whether to be worried that they don't miss me, or whether I'm just being paranoid...off course because they all work!
I'm sick and tired of always being the nice person that is walked all over! Well this summer things are going to change...I need to stop being so clingy and start living a life off my own! As for my plans for the summer..I plan on working, studying for the GMATs, visiting NU once or twice, and losing weight so I can prove everyone wrong and show them that I can do it!
Lately I've just been feeling left out, I know its my fault because I didn't stay up in Niagara Falls for the summer..but there were more important things I had to do at home! I guess we'll see what happens as the summer goes on..but for now I'm going to try to let go off my worries and insecurities and try to enjoy the time I have at home!

Current Mood: confused

07:12 pm - Why is everything I do always wrong?

When I'm at home..I feel as though everything I do is wrong! I know I need to lose weight, and get back into shape, but everything I do revolves around my weight. I put on an outfit for my mom this afternoon and she told me I couldnt wear it to the office until I lose some weight, then I was eating a few fries after dinner..and I got yelled at my dad for eating 4 fries...thats right 4 FRIES. O well..I guess this is what I have to deal with all summer long.
My parents act as though I don't try..I wish it was easy to lose weight, but its not! I'm trying my hardest and thats the best I can do!
I wish I was back at Nu..I miss all my friends and miss my freedom and being able to do what I want when I want! Well I guess thats all for now

Current Mood: sad

09:27 pm - Ugh,.What have I done =(

I think tonight I may have made myself lose a good friend! I thought that it would be better to be honest and tell the truth than have her find out how I feel from another source. I will never replace this person as a friend..its just that this semester we both had different schedules and it was hard for me to hangout with her and we drifted apart. I started to hangout with other people and stopped talking to her. Its not that I don't care, its just that I found I have more in common with my other friends right now!
I feel horrible because I made her cry...and theres nothing that I can do right now to mak it better. I know that what I said hurt her, but I thought it was the right thing to do..I guess I was wrong! Oh well guess I can't do anything now!

Current Mood: indifferent

11:42 pm - 3and a half months w/o my NU family is a looooooooong time!

So Summer has hit..my finals are done and I am now home for the summer. It was really hard for me to leave school today and not cry =(. The two people that it was hardest for me to leave are Josh and Amanda General. I used to hangout with Amanda at least 3 times a week, and I'll miss the fact that we used to watch HOUSE, the real world and LOST together...Those were our weekly Amanda and Nia rituals. There were also our Mighty Taco trips, me going into her room with 4 different outfits and the picnic Amanda, Katie and I had together just before school ended. I'm going to have to get used to not having Amanda around all the time..because she's graduating, and I'm happy for her. I will always have the memories from this year, and Amanda and I will still talk all the time even though she graduated.
It was hard for me to leave Josh..because he became one of my best friends, and someone that I was always able to turn to. This summer is going to be weird because for the last month and a half Josh, Angel and I were together everyday, and also Josh and I had class together everyday! I'm really going to miss him over the summer..he always knew what mood I was in, whether I was sad, happy,angry, miserable or tired. Thats a quality in a friend that's very rare and hard to find. This summer is going to be a boring one without all my friends, but hopefully it won't be too long, and before I know it I'll be back to Niagara and going on the my senior year. Well..I guess thats all for now!
Comments Please

Current Mood: sad